The Talk
by EndlessInspiration
Summary: In which Burt Hummel visits the medical clinic to pick out an all too informative pamphlet, resulting in a rather interesting conversation with his son. / SEQUEL NOW UP
1. Chapter 1

_I typed this up rather quickly, so I apologize for any grammatical errors. Enjoy!_

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Burt Hummel was a man, damn it. He was a manly man. He was an all American, country music paying, auto shop owning _man_. And if there was one thing Burt's own father had taught him about being a man, was that men had no fear of anything.

Then why did Burt Hummel feel so terrified of a medical clinic?

He didn't even have to talk to anybody in there. He wasn't sick. He wasn't in some kind of predicament. All he had to do was walk in, grab what he needed, and walk out. A seemingly simple operation.

But this was different. Burt Hummel wasn't going in there to get information on flu shots or allergies. He was going in for a pamphlet on a topic he didn't know, nor wanted to know, the first thing about.

Gay sex.

Burt Hummel knew he had a responsibility as a father to keep his child safe. During he and Kurt's conversation the last week, Burt realized he was not helping the safety of his child by leaving him poorly uninformed and clueless when it came to sex. Lima Ohio wasn't exactly crawling in gays or the type of culture that could give Kurt accurate knowledge of it. Burt Hummel had realized he was leaving is son clueless, and it shouldn't matter to Kurt whether Kurt was gay or straight, he should be able to keep his son safe from making a mistake and informed and healthy.

Then if Burt wanted to keep his son safe so badly, why couldn't he walk into the clinic and pick up the damn pamphlet? It was a piece of paper, for goodness sakes. And it was 8:00am on a Sunday morning. Its not like the place was packed or people who would see him.

Picking up his fear and paranoia, Burt slammed the door shut on his old but pristinely kept Chevy truck and marched his way to the door, shoving his hands in his vest pockets. He felt his cheeks already flushing and felt like a solider heading off to the war, or a kid being sent to the principles office. He trudged on, trying not to wince when the bell dinged at the door, signaling his arrival.

Burt glanced around the room, relieved that the only people there were an elderly couple that looked almost asleep, and a young mother who was busy trying to keep her young toddler entertained. Burt straightened out his baseball cap with slightly sweaty hands and walked over to the pamphlet rack. He scanned the titles passing those of allergies and stomach issues until he realized with slight relief and mortification that they had just what he was look for.

_Boys and Boys… All you need to know about homosexual sex. _

Burt swallowed hard, his hands curling slightly in his pockets as he glanced nervously around. The people in the waiting room didn't seem to notice him, but he noticed the young receptionist eyeing him curiously. Burt swallowed his pride and reached out for the pamphlet, turning it so people could only see the backside in his hand. He looked up once more, scanning the room, wincing when he saw the receptionist with a slightly quirked eyebrow. Burt Hummel tipped his hat, gruffed in the manliest way possible, and swiftly left the room.

But Hummel didn't care if the only other clinic in town was an extra ten minutes away. He didn't know if he could ever go back there.

* * *

Burt Hummel didn't know what was worse, reading the pamphlet or watching the Broken Mountain cowboy movie. For the record, he only watched it because Carole said she wanted to on Date Night and he figured having a gay son and all, it couldn't hurt to learn a little something. He was half convinced himself the only reason Carole suggested it was because she was trying to educate him on something he was painfully clueless about, considering his son was gay.

Through the singing in his head, multiple bathroom breaks and closing of his eyes Burt Hummel concluded something had gone down in the tent, and he didn't want to know what it was. Though the movie had left him feeling awkward and embarrassed, he began to wonder about just how much Kurt knew about sex. Was he having sex? Did Kurt even know what gay sex was? He had assumed Kurt would get on just fine in life without his help. He was a strong, smart kid, and, Burt thought guiltily to himself, he had a slim chance of getting any sort of boyfriend in a town like Lima Ohio. A_ very_ slim chance.

However, all that had changed when Burt walked into his son's room to find a gay boy sleeping in his bed. The same gay boy Kurt had been gushing about for weeks. The following conversation had lead to a rather awkward argument where Burt learned that Kurt really needed to know this stuff but had no one to turn to. And as embarrassing as it was for him, Burt promised himself that he'd be there for Kurt no matter how embarrassing or awkward it was.

So Burt Hummel had read the pamphlet with a red face and slightly appalled thoughts. Burt was sure he'd never be able to hear the word 'penetrate' without blushing again, and the word 'lube' now held an entirely new meaning. It was even worse when Carole had waked in on him reading the pamphlet, giggling and leaving before Burt could explain himself. Burt just sighed, rubbing his eyes as he glanced down at the dreaded pamphlet, and all the awkward yet important information it contained.

Maybe he shouldn't talk to Kurt. Maybe he should just leave the pamphlet, a box of condoms and some lube on his bed without a word, and pray to God it worked. But Burt knew that though this would be easier for him, he needed to be a parent here. He had to be strong, and responsible for his son and give him a talk he really should have gotten when he was 13. Burt Hummel had to give Kurt a gay Birds and the Bees talk. He groaned at the very thought.

He could still here Carole giggling from down the hallway.

* * *

"Kurt…"

"Now you need to set it to 350 and remember, thats _Fahrenheit_, Dad."

"Kurt-"

"And you want to put it on the lowest amount of recommended time to be sure it doesn't under or over cook,"

"Kurt,"

"And please remember that-"

"_Kurt_!"

"Oh, uhm, yes Dad?" Kurt finally stopped his ranting, closing the oven door where Burt's second attempt at a simple boxed cake was now baking. This was Kurt's attempt at their bonding sessions, and while Burt enjoyed being with his son, he felt like he'd rather be anywhere else then here right now. He thought about the conversation he was about to start with his son and wanted to run away. He felt the pamphlet in his back pocket and almost blushed.

"There's something I need to talk to you about."

"What is it?" Kurt looked so innocent and unknowing Burt wanted to hug him, laugh and run away at the same time. Kurt was about to be it with a big surprise conversation.

"Its sort of about that Blaine boy..."

Kurt rolled his eyes in the diva way Burt was so accustomed to by now, he didn't even feel the need to scold him for it. With a dramatic sigh Kurt stared at his dad.

"Dad, I told you, were just friends. I was trying to be responsible and not let him drink and drive and I wont have any other 'gay sleepovers' again." Burt winced at the air quotes Kurt did for gay sleepover and rubbed the back of his neck, his other hand lingering on his back pocket, feeling he paper of the dreaded pamphlet between his fingers.

"I know that, but our conversation made me realize something. Uh, I've never really had any sort of, umm, _talk _with you before." Burt cleared his throat, ignoring Kurt's wide, horrified eyes.

"Dad-"

"And I know you're not stupid and you'd be safe and all that but its my responsibility as a father to keep you informed and prepared. And you need someone to be able to talk to about this stuff if you need to and it should be me cause I'm the parent you know? So uh, I got this pamphlet here..."

"Oh God, please no Dad!" Kurt all but begged, looking absolutely mortified as Burt pulled out the pamphlet. "I'm okay Dad! Seriously! When I said that stuff to you I was talking about coming to you about like, crushes and stuff, not _sex_!' The way Kurt whispered the last word made Burt blush but continue on.

"But you need to know this stuff and I want to make sure you're hearing the right stuff so you're gonna hear it from me, okay?"

"This isn't happening," Kurt muttered, pacing back and forth. "This is not happening..."

"So there are plenty of, um, things you can do with your partner in, um, sexual situations." Burt Hummel had never been more red face in his life, and was ignoring the thunk of Kurt's head slamming against the kitchen wall. "I'm not gonna go into detail but there's plenty of um, touching and sucking and rubbing they talked about…"

"Dad, _please_ stop. I'm begging you."

"I know you might not think that oral stuff can cause STDs, but they can, so you gotta be careful and safe okay? There's also STDs that come from penetrations. Now I don't know if your pitching or catching-"

"DAD!"

"But either way, you gotta still be safe in order to be healthy. Always use condoms. Oh, and lubrication also makes penetration easier. Make sure you're both STD free before indulging in any forms of sexual activity, though."

"Hey guys, what's up?" Finn walked into the room to find a red faced Burt reading from a pamphlet, Kurt banging is head on the wall, looking horrified. Finn read the pamphlet title and smirked at Kurt. If looks could kill, Burt was pretty sure Kurt would have turned Finn to ashes.

"Were having a little chat Finn. Come back later, okay?"

"Sure." Finns voice held a tremor of laughter, earning another murderous glare. "Have fun you two."

"This is so horrible!"

"Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to let you know that I'm here if you need anyone to talk to. You can keep the pamphlet to read for, um, more detail. And I left some condoms and lubrication in your room, under your bed."

Kurt's face paled, an he began shaking his head.

"Please tell me you didn't."

"Now I don't know if this Blaine kid is your boyfriend or whatever,"

"_HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!_"

"But you need to be prepared. And don't let him pressure you into anything, all right? Only do this sort of stuff when you love someone and you're ready."

"Are we done now?"

"Thankfully, yes." Burt threw the pamphlet on the counter, sighing as Kurt picked it up and shoved it into his pocket. Burt felt both horrified and relieved that Kurt wanted the information it held.

"I know that was embarrassing-"

"_That's an understatement…"_

"But I only said it cause I love you. Okay kid? I want you to be safe."

"I love you to Dad." Kurt said with a sigh. "But I think now Im just gonna go hide out in my room and pretend this never happened."

"Make sure you read the pamphlet!" Burt called as Kurt trumped out of the room, groaning again in embarrassment. Burt sighed in contentment once Kurt had finally gone, happy he had gotten that out of the way. He was so relieved and content in fact, he didn't catch the sound of Finns laughing being cut off by a shriek and the sound of a body tumbling down the stairs.


	2. SEQUEL NOW POSTED

This is just an update to say the sequel to this fic is now posted!

It's called The Instructions, for those who want to read it! :D


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